WagonMonkey

How can you slap?!

2011-03-09T05:46:00.000-08:00

Last Friday at the Las Vegas Speedway during preparations for the weekend NASCAR races, owner/driver Robby Gordon got ALLEGEDLY got into fisticuffs with 5th-tier level start-and-park-er Kevin Conway.
There's multiple versions (up to and including two) of who or what instigated the kerfuffle and who if anyone threw punches. I wasn't there so I'm not gonna force my opinion as fact, we'll just leave it at somebody hasn't gotten paid what they feel they are owed.
To understand Kevin Conway, you must first understand his sponsor....Extenze Male Enhancement Member Stiffener.
For whatever reason, this company finds a 31 year old has-never to be their ideal spokesman, so whatever 35th place team wants him gets to put their logo on the hood and their sponsorship $$$ in the owner's pocket. The truth is that there are plenty of drivers out there who don't have the skill to have a successful career driving in NASCAR, but only a select few with the combination of no talent AND a sponsor willing to shell out bucks to display the lack of talent every weekend.
Enter Kevin Conway and his statement regarding last Fridays incident “I don’t mind stiff competition, but I want to make sure the hard facts are told. First and foremost, I love being a part of NASCAR and have worked very hard to earn the privilege of competing in the Sprint Cup Series....."
I'm dissapointed that he couldn't figure out a way to shoehorn flaccid in there.
I'll say this....it's one way to get people talking about your performance at the track over the weekend, even if you didn't run the Sprint Cup race (he didn't) or failed to win the Busch Nationwide race (he finished a respectable 43rd out of 43).
I guess the privilege of competing in the Sprint Cup series wore off. I hope those pills hold out longer, I hear Morgan Shepard is looking for a driver to complete 10 laps.

p.s. I took the high road with the title of this entry, don't think I wasn't mulling over phallus related titles for over an hour because I was.

Expecting A New Addition To My Family..............

2009-02-21T21:26:00.000-08:00

.............a 13 week-old kitten that should be feeling well enough for us to bring home. (He has a kitty-cold right now)
His name is Warren Zevon.

I'm not getting married until September....kids out of wedlock?
That would make me a bad Catholic.
Shame on you if you assumed we were bumping pre-marital uglies.

A garbage-time post for BCH so he doesn't feel disenfranchised

2009-02-21T20:43:00.000-08:00

I got a free pair of tickets for the Knicks game Friday night.
....I feel like I need to point out that they were free because:
a) Me = Boston-area native = Celtics fan
b) The Knicks suck a barrel of pigeon dicks

So the Knickers are hosting the Toronto Raptors, it's my first time at Madison Square Garden (that room reeks of 60's architecture, I like the pine paneled roof) and the 22-31 Knicks beat the shit out of the Raptors. When two stinky teams play in my presence, I think of photoshop.

Raptors Jesus

One important tip for job-seekers

2009-02-09T18:30:00.000-08:00

Unless you are applying for a job as Senior Assistant to the Trailer Park Superintendent, you might want to give that email address you're using as a point of contact a second glimpse:

This is real, I just received it earlier today.
I'm hoping to hear from Sarah again. There's a pimp-cane here with her forehead written all over it.

NBC's 3D Super Bowl Halftime Preview

2009-02-01T18:04:00.000-08:00

I'm glad I made a second trip to Stop & Shop to pick up the stupid glasses. I also like how I had to cut the goddamn things out myself since the plastic 'lenses' were not perforated at all. During the Super Bowl is the best time to be angrily wielding scissors. I saw no 3D-ness at all during the break. I did however jab myself in the eye with a pig-in-blanket.
Suck it, NBC.

Three Kurt Warner Factisms

2009-02-01T12:48:00.000-08:00

*Kurt Warner is one year shy of being the oldest quarterback to play in the Super Bowl

*Kurt Warner and his wife Brenda are Born-Again Christians (my favorite type of Christian!)

*Despite claims to the contrary, Brenda Warner did not play Katherine (Ma'am) on Webster; she is however frequently used as a stand-in for C3P0.

Jefferson, what the hell were you thinking?

2009-02-01T12:01:00.000-08:00

My fiance asked if I would be interested in watching this.
I replied No ma'am
She's a sarcastic one. I think she may be in shock.

So I'm dead; but who's gonna raise my boy?

2009-02-01T08:38:00.000-08:00

Always an unpleasant scenario that runs through every father's head at some point in their lives. Unpleasant because deep down, every parent wants to outlive their kid. Do you want to die? No of course not. To quote Animal Mother from Full Metal Jacket "Better you than me".
So god forbid I take my dirt nap before my offspring is adultified, here is my fantasy team of second-stringers to take my place.

* My Two Dads.
a) one has a briefcase, one has a beard and wifebeater....that's just so formulaically wacky need I say more?
b) yes I do...that big loft apartment with that purple couch thing; hot hot hot.
c) Staci Keanan. grrrowl.
d) Greg Evigan's trucker monkey

* John 'Red' Shea
He was a kid that grew up in South Boston, great with his fists...maybe could have gone pro...instead he began dealing drugs and dabbling in other gangstery deeds under the tutelage of one Whitey Bulger. He fucked up his life in many respects, but when the Federal hammer came down, he never ratted on his friends, foes or anyone in between from Southie, unlike everybody else associated with King Rat Bulger.
He did 12 years in prison for dealing....nobody gets a sentence like that their 1st time in front of a judge. Red got it because unlike guys like Henry Hill, he wouldn't talk, and the federal government hates that. They like their defendants all talkie then walkie.
Granted I dont want my kid to be a criminal fuckup, but the ability to beat the shit out of people at age 12 and being a dependable guy who keeps his word is a nice asset.

*Barn Animals
Junior is leaving doors open and tracking mud into the house constantly?
"What! Were you raised in a ba- oh goddamn your father and his stupid will"
Take that, baby-momma.

*Ghost Me
I don't see why my own premature demise should keep me from raising my own son. I am agnostic, I have no set belief in what happens to the soul/spirit/my wallet after death, but if I can float around and walk through walls Swayze-style, then I can sure show my boy how to drive stick.

*The Internet
I don't see a problem with this.

*Ghost of Henry Fonda
Downside = Was emotionally distant from his own children, not endowed with life.
Upside = He was Mister Roberts!
Come on Henry, the loons! the loons!